I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
