The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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