..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize