um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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