We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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