did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
