My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize