I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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