Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
