I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
