return my video game
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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