Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
This is my gift to your gina
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize