I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I have aggressive nipples.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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