He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
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