Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Randomize