If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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