You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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