When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
you mean i was at the winter classic?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
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