After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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