i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
