i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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