hotel room ftw
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
