how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
