And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
