Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
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