I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
