I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
