i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
