There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
