Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
