life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
