Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
