i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Girls should come with a carfax report
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
