Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
OPIZZABONMYDICK
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
