good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
