the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
