that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
