I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize