I wish I could teleport
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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