I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
