I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
He better not be in your backpack
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
