I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize