I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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