It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
