I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
