I like my sex mixed with concussions.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
