i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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