I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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