I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
