Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
