he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
