my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
