hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
