i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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