It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
