sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Randomize
