Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
