why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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