Your dad touched me again.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
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