Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
