i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
