i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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