Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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