why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
