Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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