I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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