There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize
