How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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