Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You've changed since you got that strap on
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
